An English Picnic
On the peaceful pleasures of the picnic.
For all its unforgiving reputation,
the English climate is comparably kindly when it comes to the outdoor picnic, which relies heavily on mild and moderate weather.
Deriving from pique-nique, a French term of unknown origins dating back to the 18th century, this is an onomatopoeic occasion, defined by the legendary Larousse Gastronomique, encyclopedia of food, wine and cooking as ‘a meal taken in the open, or a meal to which each participant contributes a dish’.
In addition to weather, and rather remarkably, England also disproportionately excels in matters of food when it comes to the picnic: non-confrontational, crashingly pragmatic and confidently proud, just like its countrymen, English food is at its most victorious partaking in a picnic.
It may be cruel to continue, or at least make an Englishman blush, for no one makes a better picnic partner than he: in conversation, attire, manners or humour. And nowhere is there better picnic kit to be found, nor greener grass to be seen, than on great England’s green and pleasant land. This will clearly not be considered a compliment, but the English seem to have perfected the art of the picnic. There is no doubting that generations of exemplary picnining has left its mark.
A peacefully pleasured picnic, in a public plot of English country-land.
What you will need –
1. A Fumbling Old Etonian – a most casually effective decoy, for many a life’s enterprising exploits, masked behind the impeccably honed, self-effacing ways is an ingeniously scrappy sort. Compliant and uninterfering (as perfectly suits a slightly slack nature) and picnic-trained from a young age, knows exactly when to play his part: fashion a makeshift bottle-opener, tell a good story, charm off unwanted wardens, wildlife or wanderers, pronounce any and all food to be delicious and generally, if somewhat distractedly, keep glasses topped up. Full of resource and recreation, this is an indispensable partner: picnic or pandemic. (Not all O.E.s are fumbling, and not all fumblers are scrappy: choose carefully - education being no harbinger - this is merely a high probability/potential of any ready and easy demographic.)
2. A tartan, woolen rug – four countries comprising one kingdom, the British Isles bristle with affectionately antagonistic banter, as concisely encompassed in a couple of English savouries: the Scotch Woodcock and the Welsh Rarebit, delicately suggesting that the Scots and the Welsh might be too tight or strapped for rabbit or game, respectively substituted for cheese and anchovies. It is with full pride and pleasure that an Englishman plonks his bottom on top a Scottish motif.
3. Sherry and Champagne –
for simple, insouciant sipping. It is customary to drink the whole way through, so pick your poison with prudence as well as panache. Alcohol should be proportional to the number of people present, squared – a vital tonic of all English social interactions, keeping quantities in line with potential awkwardness. Cider is also sound.
4. Something of pork or game: “rustic, noble and pastoral”
5. Something of crustacean: “grand, rich and mighty”
6. Cordial: will potentially not be drunk, but of institutional importance
7. A scruffy pair of shoes or jumper – for some old-world elegance
8. A fetching hat or socks –for some English eccentricity
9. Proper glasses, linen napkins and bone china plates: better not to have any than swap for their disposable counterparts: not about American efficiency here.
10. A book, boardgame or binoculars – pompously called a “prop”, its purpose is to act as a distraction if conversation runs dry. Requiring modest thought, it should not be too uncommon as to invite attention from strangers or passers-by - aim is for a conversation detractor, rather than conversation starter.
